Promise me
by Neru
Summary: A deep look at Mireille's feelings towards Kirika, from the beginning until the end (shoujo-ai)


Disclaimer: Noir isn't mine. The song "A glass of water" belongs to Bajm.  
  
PROMISE ME  
  
I really didn't know that our bonds would go so deep. If I would be aware that my life lacks any worth without you, maybe I'd be more careful in placing my feelings.  
  
When you came into my life, suddenly and unexpectedly, I saw in you only as a mystery. A mystery which mixes with my own, the one I wanted to resolve. It followed me, maybe even excited me. An enigma I resolve every day, but I will never be able to completely understand.  
  
Your eyes are like dark water; I can reach my hands to touch it but I never know, if I do not drown in it.  
  
Your total lack of emotions was scaring me a bit. It seemed you didn't have any fear, and you felt no happiness, no warm feelings for anything. There was nothing that would hurt you, but nothing that would make you happy as well.  
  
I thought that you deserved it. You were worth a true life, maybe even as an assassin but true. Nobody's life can be called a true one, when it doesn't involve emotions.  
  
I was sure that you had to feel, but you had hidden it so deeply that even you couldn't see it anymore. I knew it was stupid of me, but there grew a strange ambition in me- I wanted to help you with gaining some colors for your life.  
  
But I covered it all with a mask, I let you think you meant nothing to me. Perhaps you were awesome as an assassin, but I acted as if I hadn't seen a human in you.  
  
But you needed it so badly. Now I know that if no one sees a human in you, you begin to stop seeing it yourself.  
  
I remember your confused face when you discovered things called happiness, joy, sadness, even hatred. Those were so distant, you could watch others experiencing them, but couldn't fully understand since no one showed you any of them.  
  
Living and working in the underworld leaves everyone broken. But no one feels pity for each other; How can one merciless killer be passionate over another one? It was possible that they would have to kill each other the very next day.  
  
We were one of them, bonded only by our work. From the beginning the only thing that was different were our private lives, the little bit of it that was not linked to blood and corpses.  
  
We just shared it with each other. I could no longer say I didn't have anyone. I had you and we lived together, from whatever point of view. Even the fact that we slept in one bed wasn't meaningless. Someone could get the wrong idea but it didn't matter to me. I thought it was somehow odd, but I didn't find the possibility of someone thinking of us as lovers bothering. Coupling me by mistake with a young, pretty girl, well who'd be offended? Maybe someone straight. But in my case, nothing wondered me anymore and compared to my job, the fact of being not all straight wasn't disturbing.  
  
What disturbed me were my strange impulses. Often, when I couldn't fall asleep I simply watched you sleep. I couldn't supress my urge to touch you, to feel your skin against mine, or do something more. When you were in slumber, everything looked normal. To anyone else, it would look perfectly normal. As if we had been just lovers, living our trivial lives. So, to prove myself those rare moments of feeling normality, I caressed your cheek, gently, so you didn't wake up or move away. Once I was inches from your lips, I wanted to kiss you so badly that I almost hurt my hands from clenching them. But nonetheless, I desired to drown in your body, to become one.  
  
I guess it was a need.  
  
Day by day things got more complicated. Our hands were stained by the blood and Chloe had come. I was nervous because of her. The reason was not the case of being the True Noir, nor danger. I just could say by look she loved you. You had no reason to stay by my side, you could as well choose her instead.  
  
I couldn't stand it. The way she looked at you, the way you spoke to her, your perfect synchronization while battling.  
  
I have to assume I was jealous as hell. When someone who could take you away came I finally became aware of how precious you were to me.  
  
Then you gave her your gun on that roof and she simply smiled as she pulled the trigger.  
  
As I watched you falling on the ground my heart stopped beating for a while. Everything else was unimportant; Your frightening eyes of a beast which I saw moments ago, a thought that I don't know you at all.  
  
Who cared?!  
  
I hated Chloe in that moment. When she revealed our past, I wanted to kill her with my bare hands. Without any reason, I just had to kill someone. To steal some life as you ruined mine.  
  
Now I have come to think that you gave me a life. A new life, a better one.  
  
But apart from my anger and disbelief, I ran after you, repeating your name.  
  
Everything before was only a prelude, on that cemetery the real tragedy began. You wanted me to fulfill our promise; The vow I made when you were only one of the others. My hand was shaking and I couldn't shoot you. I didn't understand it fully. After all this, I was supposed to hate you, to be overcome by the urge of destroying you. So why did I long for you to hold me, cry and start everything again?  
  
Even so, there was a lot of hatred in the air. You hated yourself so much that it was driving you crazy.  
  
I suffered, watching your self-hatred and your pleads. So I lied to you. I knew I would never be able to kill you. You pleaded, you wept, but no matter what I couldn't do it.  
  
I left, turning back only once. I saw you kneeling, sobbing violently and going completely mad from this hatred.  
  
Hatred can never, ever save us.  
  
And so, I was alone. My heart was crying to feel you, to see you walking through the door.. Then I found your letter.  
  
"Mireille, who I cherish."  
  
Why, why, WHY?! But still, I didn't name this feeling. Perhaps I should have done it.  
  
After some struggling, I came to the Manor. Not because he'd ordered me to. I didn't intend to become one of Soldats. It would be a betrayal of everything I believed in and my family. I just wanted to retrieve you from the depth of hellfire.  
  
In the end, you chose me instead. Chloe had died, and I saw your heart crumbling.  
  
I became aware of how much you sacrificed for me.  
  
Chloe was the sacrificial lamb on the altar you made for me. You didn't want it, nor did I, but the altar was already there, the victim as well and we had to face that.  
  
You and me. We.  
  
The final act took place when you pushed Altena and you both fell into burning hell. A while before that, you saved me, protected me by your own body. That was a final proof of what I meant to you.  
  
You were ready to die for me.  
  
But that's the last thing I'd let you do. So I rushed blindly to rescue you. My heart almost broke when you told me you didn't want to live anymore.  
  
"Let go, Mireille."  
  
What does my forgiveness mean when you couldn't forgive yourself?  
  
However it was selfish, I wanted you to live. There is always a chance.  
  
You've understood... and accepted that for me.  
  
The way back home is always long, but with you I've grown stronger. Please, promise me you'll always be with me.  
  
Now when I look at you, tangled in white bedsheets, lying next to me I'm finally able to name that feeling. The emotion we hold in our hearts and show by words, gestures, looks and nights filled with passion.  
  
So I whisper into your ear "I love you," and then you embrace me, cuddling closer and I know you feel the same.  
  
$ I won't promise you That the world will be better What important Is that brightness in your eyes.$  
  
$I won't promise you That time will heal your pain What important Is that you're now here with me$  
  
END  
  
I'm somehow sad it's ended already. I enjoyed writing it though it's a short fic. It just made me think a lot about Mireille and Kirika's relationship, not in the way I would want it to be, but just the way it is, too. Thank you for reading! 


End file.
